Dear Lo,

I feel so stuck. I fell for a man that I got to know online during Covid. It was the first time in about 20 years that I opened myself up to someone (having been in a violent relationship then in a relationship with a married man, both leaving me with a huge sense of shame and feeling unwanted). After we met in person, he went cold and then didn’t want to continue contact. After about 6 months, I got back in touch to “be friends,” but I think in hindsight I wanted to understand what went wrong and I thought that by getting to know him as a friend, somehow my questions would be answered. A better closure. Long story short, he was very attentive and sexual, making me think he was interested. Then 6 months later, he told me he was in a relationship. Two years in and we are still in touch and off/on with intimate contact. I feel disgusted with myself. Please help.

Dear Lo,

Thank you in advance for taking the time to reply to my question (or two!).

My first question was a result of your webinar about people pleasing. You mentioned that we often get frustrated because we expect people to read our minds about our wants and wishes, but if we are always asking someone to do things that we would like, how do we know that they do them because they want to rather than being forced to do it?

Irrespective of people-pleasing, I have caught myself being codependent with my current partner of 7 years. Do you think that it is still possible to work on my codependency issues while being with him or do you think that it's not possible to do that and if I want to work on these issues I should end the relationship?

Thank you!

P.S. Your webinars are amazing and you are a great communicator!

Dear Lo,

I recently came across your webinar on codependency and it opened my eyes to a lot of things. I loved your other webinars on perfectionism and people pleasing too. Thank you for doing the work you do and for showing up with so much enthusiasm and positivity. You're really helping a lot of us :)

I've (28/f) been in a relationship with my partner (31/m) for 2.5 years. He is a great person who is very kind and sensitive. I came to realize that I've been badly hurt in my past relationships and as a result, I carry trauma from that and from my childhood (the feeling of being unwanted). It is only recently that I'm coming to terms with it. I find it hard to communicate with my current partner because I don't know how much of it stems from my issues and how much of it is from our issues. I will also add that I felt mistrustful and maybe hold some resentment for being hurt in this relationship. Although I think a vast part of it is due to misunderstandings and my own codependency. I would like to feel more comfortable communicating and feel more intimate. But I also have my own journey to make, one which involves believing in my self-worth first. Would you have some advice for me? Thank you!

Dear Lo,

First, I want to start off by expressing how much I enjoy your resources and tell you how much they have helped me. I had a situation with a mental health therapist that just made me wonder and question why people do what they do.

I had a therapist who I had been seeing for almost two years. I thought we had a good therapeutic relationship. I trusted her. We had been talking about ending the therapeutic relationship because it was time. She assured me that she would give plenty of notice and that she would never just abruptly discontinue our therapy. She knew that I had an extremely hard time with loss because we discussed that topic many times.

Just a few weeks ago, one of my little pets passed away, and her cage mate was having major surgery. My therapist and I sent some messages to each other that were not healthy, but I still wanted to communicate. Then our beautiful foster dog went to her new home.

A week after those upsetting events, my therapist sent a note to all her clients that she would be leaving in 30 days. That same day, just a few hours later, she sent me a message telling me that we should “part ways” and she ended her message with “best wishes.” This abrupt ending threw me for a loop. No goodbye?

From watching your codependency webinars, I realized that in therapy, I was depending on my therapist for external validation. I now understand that this all comes from my past and growing up always looking for praise and validation from my parents with my achievements.

I had a choice to just end therapy or get a new therapist. With my struggle with confidence in myself, I chose to have a new therapist to help me process my grief for not only the loss of my pet, but for the loss and dismay of the way my therapist decided to end our therapeutic relationship.

I fear that I will fall back into that pattern of codependency for my therapist. I dreaded choosing a new therapist and having to explain my fear of loss all over again just to possibly be hurt again. My new therapist is much more experienced and she has assured me that she will not do as my previous therapist did. I have heard those words before. I do not want to be dependent on someone else for my validation and I expressed that to her.

There is a part of me that feels ready to end therapy. I do have times of great confidence because I learned through the group on codependency how to validate myself, be mindful, and show my authenticity, but then the confidence fades.

Should I continue therapy even though I think I have the tools to help myself? Won’t therapy just continue my need for that validation?

Dear Lo,

I have been in a relationship for almost a year, and we are engaged to be married. I think he is a great partner in many ways: he spoils me, takes care of me, and covers all the finances as I am completing a program for another year. I have a great relationship with his family and parents. All in all, I am happy.

But there are things that I am a little worried about that I wanted to get your feedback on. Several times he has mentioned that I am super confident and it makes him insecure. We talked through and resolved it as we usually do. But I have noticed that he is flattered when he gets attention from women of all kinds. He accepts it when they flirt or when a work-related contact constantly messages and calls him day and night. I also noticed his unusual attitude towards one of his female friends who is married. When I raised my concerns, he said he has stopped collaborating with the coworker and reduced communication with the married female friend.

About 6 months ago, I found a box of condoms when cleaning our bedroom. It is a type we never use, and the last box we bought together was still there. When I asked, he said it was an old box, and I didn’t mention it again. Lately I noticed that he imitates having sex in his sleep quite frequently, but doesn’t initiate sex with me. I am 20 weeks pregnant, but I haven’t had any complications. He is very caring, we cuddle a lot, and he doesn't go to bed without me. And last night I woke up because he was being very noisy in his sleep, imitating having sex in his dreams again. It seemed very different than what it’s like when we have sex together. And then I came home earlier than him today and out of curiosity, checked the box of condoms. The one that had different condoms than we use is now empty. We have been living together and he has not spent the night elsewhere, but I have been away for a couple days. What do you think? Thank you so much in advance for answering my question.