Question:

Dear Lo,

First, I want to start off by expressing how much I enjoy your resources and tell you how much they have helped me. I had a situation with a mental health therapist that just made me wonder and question why people do what they do.

I had a therapist who I had been seeing for almost two years. I thought we had a good therapeutic relationship. I trusted her. We had been talking about ending the therapeutic relationship because it was time. She assured me that she would give plenty of notice and that she would never just abruptly discontinue our therapy. She knew that I had an extremely hard time with loss because we discussed that topic many times.

Just a few weeks ago, one of my little pets passed away, and her cage mate was having major surgery. My therapist and I sent some messages to each other that were not healthy, but I still wanted to communicate. Then our beautiful foster dog went to her new home.

A week after those upsetting events, my therapist sent a note to all her clients that she would be leaving in 30 days. That same day, just a few hours later, she sent me a message telling me that we should “part ways” and she ended her message with “best wishes.” This abrupt ending threw me for a loop. No goodbye?

From watching your codependency webinars, I realized that in therapy, I was depending on my therapist for external validation. I now understand that this all comes from my past and growing up always looking for praise and validation from my parents with my achievements.

I had a choice to just end therapy or get a new therapist. With my struggle with confidence in myself, I chose to have a new therapist to help me process my grief for not only the loss of my pet, but for the loss and dismay of the way my therapist decided to end our therapeutic relationship.

I fear that I will fall back into that pattern of codependency for my therapist. I dreaded choosing a new therapist and having to explain my fear of loss all over again just to possibly be hurt again. My new therapist is much more experienced and she has assured me that she will not do as my previous therapist did. I have heard those words before. I do not want to be dependent on someone else for my validation and I expressed that to her.

There is a part of me that feels ready to end therapy. I do have times of great confidence because I learned through the group on codependency how to validate myself, be mindful, and show my authenticity, but then the confidence fades.

Should I continue therapy even though I think I have the tools to help myself? Won’t therapy just continue my need for that validation?

~Gretchen

Answer:

Dear Gretchen,

Thank you for your kind words about my resources, and I’m so glad that you have found them helpful! I am sorry to hear about how the relationship with your last therapist ended. I can certainly understand why you found that shocking and painful. A strong therapeutic relationship is based on trust, open communication, and emotional safety. When those tenets are violated, many clients feel triggered, especially if they have experienced abandonment in their past. An abrupt break in communication and ending of sessions often prevents clients from achieving closure and planning how to move forward without that therapist’s support.

I am very proud of you for moving forward with a different therapist to gain support as you processed and grieved the ending of the previous therapeutic relationship. I also want to share my deepest condolences on the loss of your pet. It takes a leap of faith to trust another provider and share your life story once again with someone new. When clients have had past negative therapeutic experiences, it can be very scary and uncomfortable to try again with someone new. I think you did a great job of having your own back by identifying what you needed and seeking it out despite your hesitations.

As far as seeking external validation, you have great insight and awareness into your tendency to seek approval from therapists and others. For most of us in recovery from codependency, it will be a lifelong process of learning to heal our inner child wounds, reparent ourselves, and practice speaking to and treating ourselves with the love and validation we are seeking externally. Therapy can provide a wonderful opportunity to learn new tools and coping skills, have accountability in your healing work, and as a maintenance tool to prevent future overwhelm. For some people, therapy is a lifelong commitment to their mental health and for others, they use therapy for short periods of time throughout their life to manage situational challenges that arise. There is no right or wrong answer, and I would encourage you to trust your intuition here.

After processing and grieving the loss of your former therapist and your pet, check in with yourself to identify your goals and purpose for therapy. Are you holding onto the relationship simply to gain positive feedback or prove yourself? Are you afraid of losing a relationship, believing that you cannot do the emotional work on your own? Or do you have more goals that you want to work on, need continued accountability, or feel as though this support helps you to dive deeper and continue to heal? Also, keep in mind that you can always reduce your frequency to maintain the relationship and have the support, but gain more independence and trust in yourself. If you ultimately decide to end therapy, remember that you can always seek out that support at any time in the future should you need it. Sometimes breaks from therapy are helpful in that they allow us to do the internal work on our own as we have more experiences and seek out additional resources like books, workbooks, podcasts, support groups, etc. I wish you the best of luck and have no doubt you will continue to do this deep work and see further success!