Question:

Dear Lo,

I feel so stuck. I fell for a man that I got to know online during Covid. It was the first time in about 20 years that I opened myself up to someone (having been in a violent relationship then in a relationship with a married man, both leaving me with a huge sense of shame and feeling unwanted). After we met in person, he went cold and didn’t want to continue contact. After about 6 months, I got back in touch to “be friends,” but I think in hindsight I wanted to understand what went wrong and I thought that by getting to know him as a friend, somehow my questions would be answered. A better closure. Long story short, he was very attentive and sexual, making me think he was interested. Then 6 months later, he told me he was in a relationship. Two years in and we are still in touch and off/on with intimate contact. I feel disgusted with myself. Please help.

~Angie

Answer:

Dear Angie,

I am so sorry to hear that you are struggling right now and I’m glad you reached out for some support. I can definitely understand why you feel confused and frustrated by this person’s mixed messages. I give you so much credit for finally opening yourself up to be in a relationship after 20 years, especially given the trauma from your past relationships. That is a huge step and not an easy one to take! It is very common and understandable to have a difficult time accepting the end of a relationship, especially when it seems so sudden and abrupt. As humans, we do not like uncertainty because it makes us feel out of control. This mindset causes us to look for answers because it is so uncomfortable and painful when a relationship ends. In most instances, being friends proves to be even more difficult because we are unconsciously hoping the other person changes their mind and we can reconnect romantically with them. When this doesn’t happen, we are left even more disappointed, confused, and questioning our worthiness.

As far as his relationship status, that is another piece of hurtful information to receive. When we meet someone, we are essentially trusting that what they tell us is true because we only have the information they choose to provide. You could not have known that this man was in a committed relationship, especially if he was communicating with you, agreeing to meet up, and showing romantic interest. Now that you have received this information, I can only imagine how painful it is for you. As difficult as it may be, I recommend cutting off all contact with this person. Do not call, text, or meet up, block them on social media, and get rid of items that remind you of him. I know this is challenging and many people resist this step. However, it is a necessary part of the healing process and will help you to move forward instead of feeling stuck and beating yourself up. It sounds like you are looking for a committed monogamous relationship, and this man is not willing or able to provide you with that. And his inability to be what you need is not a reflection of you! It speaks to him as a person, and you deserve more than what he is willing to give.

There is most certainly a grieving process when a relationship ends, and I encourage you to allow all the feelings that come up to be there. Identify them, sit with them, and allow yourself to feel everything without judgment. It is not pleasant or fun, but the only way to move these emotions through your body is to release them - cry, yell into a pillow, journal, hit a punching bag, hug a pillow/stuffed animal/pet. This healing process can take a long time so please have patience with yourself. Show yourself extra kindness and compassion in these moments. You are going through a very tough time and you deserve gentleness, not judgment. Treat yourself in the way that you would treat someone whom you care deeply about - a best friend, child, sister, etc. You cannot change what happened in the past, and you were doing the best you could at every single moment. I truly believe that. And shame and blame will not help you to heal, move forward, or take care of yourself. You deserve to be in a relationship with someone who is available, invested, and ready to show up for you in a real way. Do not accept anything less! When you are ready, you will put yourself out there and you will find that person. You have so much to contribute to a partnership, you have learned so much from these past experiences, and you are much stronger than you realize. I hope this is helpful and please know that I am rooting for you every step of the way!