Dear Lo,

I recently came across your webinar on codependency and it opened my eyes to a lot of things. I loved your other webinars on perfectionism and people pleasing too. Thank you for doing the work you do and for showing up with so much enthusiasm and positivity. You're really helping a lot of us :)

I've (28/f) been in a relationship with my partner (31/m) for 2.5 years. He is a great person who is very kind and sensitive. I came to realize that I've been badly hurt in my past relationships and as a result, I carry trauma from that and from my childhood (the feeling of being unwanted). It is only recently that I'm coming to terms with it. I find it hard to communicate with my current partner because I don't know how much of it stems from my issues and how much of it is from our issues. I will also add that I felt mistrustful and maybe hold some resentment for being hurt in this relationship. Although I think a vast part of it is due to misunderstandings and my own codependency. I would like to feel more comfortable communicating and feel more intimate. But I also have my own journey to make, one which involves believing in my self-worth first. Would you have some advice for me? Thank you!

Dear Lo,

First, I want to start off by expressing how much I enjoy your resources and tell you how much they have helped me. I had a situation with a mental health therapist that just made me wonder and question why people do what they do.

I had a therapist who I had been seeing for almost two years. I thought we had a good therapeutic relationship. I trusted her. We had been talking about ending the therapeutic relationship because it was time. She assured me that she would give plenty of notice and that she would never just abruptly discontinue our therapy. She knew that I had an extremely hard time with loss because we discussed that topic many times.

Just a few weeks ago, one of my little pets passed away, and her cage mate was having major surgery. My therapist and I sent some messages to each other that were not healthy, but I still wanted to communicate. Then our beautiful foster dog went to her new home.

A week after those upsetting events, my therapist sent a note to all her clients that she would be leaving in 30 days. That same day, just a few hours later, she sent me a message telling me that we should “part ways” and she ended her message with “best wishes.” This abrupt ending threw me for a loop. No goodbye?

From watching your codependency webinars, I realized that in therapy, I was depending on my therapist for external validation. I now understand that this all comes from my past and growing up always looking for praise and validation from my parents with my achievements.

I had a choice to just end therapy or get a new therapist. With my struggle with confidence in myself, I chose to have a new therapist to help me process my grief for not only the loss of my pet, but for the loss and dismay of the way my therapist decided to end our therapeutic relationship.

I fear that I will fall back into that pattern of codependency for my therapist. I dreaded choosing a new therapist and having to explain my fear of loss all over again just to possibly be hurt again. My new therapist is much more experienced and she has assured me that she will not do as my previous therapist did. I have heard those words before. I do not want to be dependent on someone else for my validation and I expressed that to her.

There is a part of me that feels ready to end therapy. I do have times of great confidence because I learned through the group on codependency how to validate myself, be mindful, and show my authenticity, but then the confidence fades.

Should I continue therapy even though I think I have the tools to help myself? Won’t therapy just continue my need for that validation?

Dear Lo,

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 5 months and I have never been happier. He genuinely treats me right and makes me feel so loved. We met online and live about 14 hours away from each other so the only time we’ve seen each other is when he flew here for my graduation. The original plan was for him to stay for a week and then go home and get a job. He stayed for the whole month of June and it was honestly the best month of this year. But after he left, I cried a lot and missed him. After a couple days, I realized I was feeling very anxious and I wasn’t sure why. I did some research and figured out that I had separation anxiety. I believe I’ve had undiagnosed separation anxiety since I was in 7th grade, but I had it towards my house/my mom. Now I think I developed it with my boyfriend because we got much closer while he was here. I find myself anxious everyday, and my boyfriend has mentioned that he doesn’t know what to do. It’s hard for him because he just wants to make me happy.

We’re taking a break from talking right now while I get my life together, but I don’t know what to do. I signed up for therapy and my first appointment is on Thursday. I journal, meditate, and I take care of myself to the best of my ability. I don’t know what else to do to minimize the anxiety and I don’t know how to reassure him that I’ll be okay. I’ve also been thinking about texting him and checking in on him, but I don’t know if it’s a good idea because we’re taking a break. I don’t know how long we’re taking a break either. I was alone with myself for about two years, and in those years, I dealt with anxiety from moving to a new house, and I got to know myself a lot better and found joy in my life that didn’t involve someone else. I don’t know why I suddenly feel anxious without him, but it’s really hard and sometimes it feels like I won’t get through it. I really don’t know what to do and I don’t want to lose him.