Question:

Dear Lo,

I have been in a relationship for almost a year, and we are engaged to be married. I think he is a great partner in many ways: he spoils me, takes care of me, and covers all the finances as I am completing a program for another year. I have a great relationship with his family and parents. All in all, I am happy.

But there are things that I am a little worried about that I wanted to get your feedback on. Several times he has mentioned that I am super confident and it makes him insecure. We talked through and resolved it as we usually do. But I have noticed that he is flattered when he gets attention from women of all kinds. He accepts it when they flirt or when a work-related contact constantly messages and calls him day and night. I also noticed his unusual attitude towards one of his married female friends. When I raised my concerns, he said he has stopped collaborating with the coworker and reduced communication with the married female friend.

About 6 months ago, I found a box of condoms when cleaning our bedroom. It is a type we never use, and the last box we bought together was still there. When I asked, he said it was an old box, and I didn’t mention it again. Lately I noticed that he imitates having sex in his sleep quite frequently, but doesn’t initiate sex with me. I am 20 weeks pregnant, but I haven’t had any complications. He is very caring, we cuddle a lot, and he doesn't go to bed without me. And last night I woke up because he was being very noisy in his sleep, imitating having sex in his dreams again. It seemed very different from what it’s like when we have sex together. And then I came home earlier today and out of curiosity, checked the box of condoms. The one that had different condoms than we use is now empty. We have been living together and he has not spent the night elsewhere, but I have been away for a couple days. What do you think? Thank you so much in advance for answering my question.

~Charlotte

Answer:

Dear Charlotte,

Thanks so much for reaching out with this relationship concern. Congratulations on your engagement and pregnancy! While it sounds like there are some positive, healthy elements to your current partnership, there are also some areas that make you uneasy. I love that you talked through his insecurities with your confidence level AND that you communicated your concerns about his interactions with other women. Honest, open, and respectful conversation is really important for both partners in a relationship, and it is the only way to resolve conflicts in a healthy and complete way. I also want to reassure you that your confidence is beautiful and an asset! Never dim your light because it makes others uncomfortable or brings up their own unhealed wounds. That is their work to do internally and is not about you at all.

It sounds like intimacy is another important discussion for you to initiate with your partner. It is possible that he doesn’t want to pressure you to have sex because you are pregnant and may not be feeling well. However, it sounds like you are interested in being intimate with him, which is great. I would encourage you to initiate sex with him rather than waiting for him to make the first move. I also think it would be helpful for you to share that you miss intimate contact and ask directly what has kept him from having sex with you. As far as the condom situation, I can see why finding the empty box was alarming to you and raised some concerns. Once again, it sounds as though you need to ask him directly for more information about what happened. Try not to accuse or blame him, but rather focus on creating a safe space for both of you to be open and honest. You can let him know that you are feeling worried and insecure due to his flirtation with other women, his lack of initiation of intimacy with you, and the empty box of condoms. Based upon his response, you can hopefully gauge whether he is being fully honest and transparent with you. Trust your intuition because only you can decide what is best for you moving forward. I wish you the best of luck and take good care of yourself!