Dear Lo,

I watched one of your boundaries webinars, and I need some help with those for emotional, mental, and financial. I’m not sure how or where to start with setting boundaries in my marriage of 10 years.

My husband broke my trust. I tried to talk to him about it, but he didn't want to talk. I told him I want to work on our marriage, and he has ignored all of my ideas. We don't even hug or show any affection anymore. What kinds of boundaries can I even set?

I work full time from home, but had to take a huge pay cut so I pick up side jobs to make ends meet. He has a high-stress full time job. Even though we both work full time, most of the household responsibilities fall on me. He is also maxing out our credit cards and gets frustrated when I try to set up a budget.

So he won't work on our marriage, he helps out very little around the house, and we can barely make all our bills each month. I feel stuck and not sure where to even start with setting boundaries.

~Anonymous

Dear Lo,

I have a question from your boundaries webinar about stating the consequence. When I am setting my boundaries, should I tell the person what would happen if they decide to disrespect the boundary again in the future?

~Oluwadara

Dear Lo,

I am in a relationship with a person I truly love, but they just can't consistently show up how I need them to in our relationship. I have expressed what I need and don't feel that my expressed needs are too much to expect in a relationship. If anything, I have probably set the bar very low in what I feel I need for this relationship to work.

Anyhow, when I express what I need, I do see an improvement, but eventually things go back to how they were. I become frustrated internally. I take a mental break to honor my wants and needs. I find articles, therapy sessions, activities, etc. to help me feel better. And, then once I feel better I seem to not be so upset at what I once was before so I resume the communication as if nothing was wrong to begin with or that I have handled what I needed to do internally.

I guess my question is how do I bring up my feelings of neglect in this relationship after the fact and after I have done some healing? I seem to not have the courage to bring it up at the time it occurs, yet it feels odd to bring it up afterward. I don't get what I need from my partner a lot of the time, so I bring it to myself. I do this because I truly want peace and happiness within, but I would be lying if I didn't say this is also because I don't trust/believe that my partner will show up for me. And I don't want to confront that because it might mean that I either have to accept this relationship as is or choose to end it. I feel scared of the latter coming to fruition.

How do express what I need at the time or even afterward in a helpful way? And, more importantly, what can I do to believe in myself that I am strong enough to handle the fallout?

Dear Lo,

I’m new to boundary setting. I’m finding that I’m becoming hyper-vigilant with boundary setting in my personal life and in public with strangers.

I started out feeling empowered, but now I feel exhausted. Sometimes I don’t wanna engage in boundary setting when one maybe has been crossed.

Is there something I’m perceiving wrong? Is there a better way to go about boundary setting to have peace instead of exhaustion?

Dear Lo,

I met someone a few years ago online, and we had great connection. He is a great person on a human level. On the second date, we got intimate, which was nice. I started to have feelings for him. After a while, I had to leave the country for a few months, but was away for a couple of years. I was clear about being away for some time. He said he was not looking for anything serious anyways and didn't believe I had feelings for him because we knew each other for a very short period of time. We were in touch when I was away, and we met after a few years when I was back. I could not forget him, but he doesn't believe and thinks this is unrealistic. He offered me to date casually and was honest that he's seeing other women for physical gratification only. I cannot accept it, but I still want to see him. What do I do?

Dear Lo,

I have reached back out to someone I met online who then didn’t want to have a relationship. I thought we could keep up as friends, it would be a better closure. However, his messages became more intimate, but he didn’t indicate he had changed his mind. Then he told me he was close to someone else romantically who wanted to relocate to be close to him. I told him I couldn’t keep close contact with him with that dynamic. And yet I have. Is it realistic to strive to reset a friendship boundary when it fails? Now, sometimes, he starts suggestive texts, I respond and then we don’t talk about what that means for our friendship. He’s made it clear he struggles with commitment because he hasn’t met anyone who was ‘enough’ to focus his attention solely on, which obviously includes me. I’m hurt but still want to adapt and keep him in my life as a friend. Any advice?

Dear Lo,

I just attended your boundaries workshop. I think I am seen as outspoken and articulate. However, I have very strict internal rules about what I will comment on that are based on my political views. I am a high earning individual and I feel a lot of shame for it because I also interact with a lot of poor people and have poor friends. I strongly believe that rich people should pay more taxes and that everyone deserves better, more standardized education and health care (I experienced this because I lived abroad for a few years). I feel like if a friend who is less economically well off wants something, I am obligated to pay for it if they ask. Sometimes I end up feeling taken advantage of, but I feel like I can't tell them because I would be shaming them. I also feel angry when other high earners pontificate about their views on social justice issues because when I ask them if they would be willing to pay more taxes or to send their kids to diverse, public schools- they say no. I get angry and I think I am seen as being overly reactive. However, in my view, these high earner individuals broke my personal boundaries by talking about their political views and are retraumatizing me about the pain of my low income friends. I am realizing that my behavior may be a complex form of people pleasing.