Question:

Dear Lo,

I watched one of your boundaries webinars, and I need some help with those for emotional, mental, and financial. I’m not sure how or where to start with setting boundaries in my marriage of 10 years.

My husband broke my trust. I tried to talk to him about it, but he didn't want to talk. I told him I want to work on our marriage, and he has ignored all of my ideas. We don't even hug or show any affection anymore. What kinds of boundaries can I even set?

I work full time from home, but had to take a huge pay cut so I pick up side jobs to make ends meet. He has a high-stress full time job. Even though we both work full time, most of the household responsibilities fall on me. He is also maxing out our credit cards and gets frustrated when I try to set up a budget.

So he won't work on our marriage, he helps out very little around the house, and we can barely make all our bills each month. I feel stuck and not sure where to even start with setting boundaries.

~Anonymous

Answer:

Dear Anonymous,

Thank you for joining my boundaries webinar!  I’m sorry to hear that you are experiencing challenges in your marriage, and I can certainly understand your frustration and sadness that your husband broke your trust.  While that can be very painful, it sounds like you are still interested in working through these issues to repair the relationship.  I honor and commend you for that. You mention struggling to set boundaries, and I would encourage you to focus on your unmet needs.  Your husband seems resistant to talking about your marital challenges, which might make you feel unheard and unimportant.  It also sounds like you would like to engage in more physical affection with one another, a more equitable division of household responsibilities, and to create a budget together so that you both can feel more financially secure.  All of these requests sound reasonable, and they all center around the idea of emotional safety.  Being heard and understood, receiving love through touch, and feeling supported within the household are all ways that we experience a sense of security from our partner. 

My first recommendation is that you seek couples counseling together to create a safe space to share feelings and have an impartial moderator to help you engage in healthy communication.  You may even choose to make that a condition (or boundary) that you set in order for you to remain in the marriage.  Whether he agrees to attend or not, I would definitely encourage you to seek individual counseling or coaching to receive support and have a place to share your feelings and problem solve.  Marriage challenges can be really overwhelming and stressful, and support around these issues can make a big difference.

I would also encourage you to pick ONE area within your marriage to focus on first to prevent overwhelm for both of you.  You may choose the area that is the most important to you or the part of your marriage that feels the most fixable.  Once you’ve decided your primary goal, take some time to journal about how you’re feeling and what you need related to that area.  First empty all of your uncensored thoughts and emotions onto the page to express and process it all.  Then read it back to yourself and consider the best way to present this information to your husband, thinking about what might help him to truly hear you.  Focus on sharing your feelings rather than pointing the finger or blaming him.  Let him know how much you care about him, express what you like about him (or what drew you to him originally), and tell him that you want to make the relationship work.  Plan to have this discussion at a time when both of you are calm and in relatively good spirits.  Look into his eyes, share from the heart, and maybe even hold his hand while talking.  I know this probably sounds difficult because you are so frustrated and hurt by him right now, which makes sense.  However, someone has to make the first move and break the cycle of anger and conflict.  Sometimes when we are vulnerable with a person, it allows them to hear us and open up rather than shutting down or becoming defensive.  I would also ask him to share with you how he is feeling and what you can do to support him and strengthen the relationship.  It always takes two people to make or break a marriage, and he will probably appreciate that you are open to hear him and make changes. 

My last suggestion involves working on yourself to be the best partner possible.  We only have control over ourselves and sometimes, when we focus on becoming the person that we would want to be with, it can encourage the other person to shift as well.  Relationships are like a dance because both of you have been doing the same thing for a while, and your interactions may be on autopilot.  When one person starts to change the rhythm or the steps of the dance, the other person may automatically adjust to keep up.  You get to decide how much time you are willing to put into this marriage, and trust yourself to know if and when it is time to step away.  No one else can make that determination for you and your husband.  And be sure to look for small ways to be kind to yourself, take care of your needs, and celebrate the small successes along the way.  This is not easy work, but I truly believe you can do it.  Be patient and compassionate to yourself throughout this process.  I wish you the best of luck in your marriage and want to thank you for sharing your story with me!