Question:

Dear Lo,

I have a question from your boundaries webinar about stating the consequence. When I am setting my boundaries, should I tell the person what would happen if they decide to disrespect the boundary again in the future?

~Oluwadara

Answer:

Dear Oluwadara,

Thank you for writing in with a great clarifying question on boundaries.  The consequences part of boundary setting can be quite confusing at times so you are not alone in feeling that way.  There is no one concrete answer of how to handle these situations.  It is your choice whether you want to share the consequence with the other person up front or not.  For example, if your sister is screaming at you, there are several ways you can respond.  You may choose to tell her, “I want to talk with you, but it doesn’t feel good to be yelled at.  Please lower your voice.  If not, I will need to hang up the phone.”  Another option is to simply make the request that your sister lowers her voice.  If she does not, you can state, “I’m going to hang up the phone for now.  We can talk again when both of us are calmer.”  In that case, you made a request and then simply followed up with action in order to take care of yourself. 

To give another example, consider a situation in which your friend frequently makes negative comments about your physical appearance, which makes you uncomfortable.  In that case, you may choose a time to share how you feel with her and request that she stop discussing your appearance.  I would encourage you to have that discussion when both of you are calm and in positive spirits rather than right after she has criticized you.  If she still continues to make negative comments after that discussion, you might say, “It really hurts my feelings when you talk about my appearance.  I enjoy being your friend, but I don’t want to spend time with you when you do that.  So I’m going to leave and head home for now.”  You may also choose to limit your time with this friend in the future because she continually disrespects your boundaries and hurts you. Again, you can choose to let her know that you are reducing contact with her or simply put some distance between you.   

Remember that there is no right or wrong when it comes to setting boundaries as long as you are honest, clear, and respectful.  We can choose to let people know what will happen if they continue to cross our boundaries or simply show them through our actions.  Do what feels best for you in each situation.  The most important part is that you make a plan ahead of time about how you will respond if the boundary continues to be crossed.  In order to decide how and when to speak up, consider the following factors: your personal preference of what feels most comfortable, the other person’s personality, and your past experiences with them.  Have you expressed your need to them before or is this the first time?  Do they have a history of ignoring your boundaries? Do you feel comfortable and safe communicating your boundary and the consequence verbally?  Also keep in mind that the purpose of setting boundaries is to take care of yourself, not to control or change the other person.  Be sure to state your boundary and consequence (if applicable) in a calm, neutral tone of voice.  Do not shame, blame, or guilt the person.  And focus on identifying a consequence that allows you to take care of yourself and meet your own needs rather than finding a way to punish them.  I hope this makes sense and gives you more information on how to effectively communicate your boundaries.  Best of luck!