Question:

Dear Lo,

I am in a relationship with a person I truly love, but they just can't consistently show up how I need them to in our relationship. I have expressed what I need and don't feel that my expressed needs are too much to expect in a relationship. If anything, I have probably set the bar very low in what I feel I need for this relationship to work.

Anyhow, when I express what I need, I do see an improvement, but eventually things go back to how they were. I become frustrated internally. I take a mental break to honor my wants and needs. I find articles, therapy sessions, activities, etc. to help me feel better. And, then once I feel better I seem to not be so upset at what I once was before so I resume the communication as if nothing was wrong to begin with or that I have handled what I needed to do internally.

I guess my question is how do I bring up my feelings of neglect in this relationship after the fact and after I have done some healing? I seem to not have the courage to bring it up at the time it occurs, yet it feels odd to bring it up afterward. I don't get what I need from my partner a lot of the time, so I bring it to myself. I do this because I truly want peace and happiness within, but I would be lying if I didn't say this is also because I don't trust/believe that my partner will show up for me. And I don't want to confront that because it might mean that I either have to accept this relationship as is or choose to end it. I feel scared of the latter coming to fruition.

How do express what I need at the time or even afterward in a helpful way? And, more importantly, what can I do to believe in myself that I am strong enough to handle the fallout?

~Lisa

Answer:

Dear Lisa,

I really appreciate you writing in with this thoughtful, articulate question! You are certainly not alone in wondering how to handle this common relationship challenge. It seems as though you have already answered your own question, but I will share my feedback in the hope that it brings you clarity and confirmation. First off, you did an excellent job of identifying your needs within the relationship, determining that those needs are reasonable, and communicating them multiple times to your partner. Those steps can be quite overwhelming, and it sounds like you have succeeded. Great job!

In response to your open, honest communication, your partner has demonstrated through their actions that they are unwilling or unable to meet your needs on a consistent basis. I love that when this happens, you find other ways to support and take care of yourself. That is an excellent way of having your own back and treating yourself with love and compassion! However, it also sounds like you are unsatisfied with accepting that your emotional needs aren’t met by your partner, which is certainly valid. I want to encourage you that it is never too late to have a conversation about boundaries and your needs within the relationship. If you cannot engage in that discussion immediately after an incident occurs, that is totally okay. Once you have processed your feelings, calmed down, and cared for yourself, it can be an excellent opportunity to share what happened with your partner. If you do not communicate later and choose to let it go, it is unlikely that anything will change. It might be helpful to do some journaling about the situation before initiating a discussion with your partner to ensure that you are prepared with how to express yourself. Assuming that you communicate in a clear, honest, and respectful way, it can be a productive conversation that brings the two of you together and allows you both to problem solve. In addition to sharing your feelings and your perspective, it can also help to share what you wanted your partner to do instead. This dialogue can provide continued clarity about how your partner can make changes moving forward. Also be sure to ask your partner to share their perspective and do your best to listen and understand, even if you disagree.

As far as your options moving forward, only you know the decision that is best for you. You are correct to focus on what is within your control - your words and actions. If you have repeatedly communicated your needs and are not seeing any change, you get to decide if you want to accept your partner as they are right now and find other ways to meet your own needs. If that is not possible, you can choose to end the relationship and walk away with a clear conscience because you communicated openly and honestly. I know it can be scary to end a commitment, and there will surely be a grieving process involved. I would encourage you not to settle for less than what you deserve in any area of your life. If you do choose to end the relationship, you will work through your emotions, take care of yourself, reflect on what you learned, and seek support from those you trust and love (attending therapy or coaching can also be a great help). And after you have healed, you will create space for a positive, supportive, and healthy individual to come into your life as your partner when the time is right. I hope this information has been helpful and I wish you the best of luck navigating this challenging situation!