Dear Lo,

Recently, my dad shipped several boxes to me containing a ton of stuff from my childhood - toys, papers, books, mementos, trinkets, photos, etc. We are not close, so it came as a surprise. I'm not the type of person to keep lots of stuff in boxes (and there are a lot of them), but I can't quite bring myself to deal with this stuff. My childhood was not an easy one. My dad was checked out, my mom was abusive, and both of my elder sisters were kicked out and disowned when I was young. So this stuff really brings up the pain of the past for me. I know that if I throw it all away (which is my instinct to do), I'll regret getting rid of the good memories with the bad. But how can I deal with the pain of just sorting through it all? It's almost literally like opening pandora’s box! I would greatly appreciate any advice or ideas to help me move on from the past and this stuff.

Dear Lo,

I met someone online and we have been dating for 2 months. He is genuine and puts a lot of effort in to spend time with me. We live in different cities 3-4 hours away from each other, but he travels 2-3 times a week to see me. We have agreed that we will visit each other until I permanently move to his city, which was my plan before we even met. We want the same things in the future, but I have been hurt in the recent past. I feel like we both deserve to be happy and I don't want to miss out on this great guy because of someone who has hurt me in the past. And the guy I am dating now deserves to be happy too.

We lose track of time when together, spending 7-8 hours and still want more time together. He is respectful and makes me laugh a lot, which has not been the case in my previous relationships.

How do I know if I have a genuine connection with this guy or whether it's a defense mechanism?

Dear Lo,

I just listened to one of your webinars. Without a doubt, I have most of the codependent traits that you discussed. My partner thinks that I always want everything my way, but I really I just am trying to control things to limit any negative outcomes. I know that I do this, but when I try not to, bad things are more likely to happen. I think that many of the precautions I take are good, but over time it has led me to have a rule for everything, even when it isn't all that important. I don't know where to draw the line or how to do it.

Something that I have been working on is doing more for myself instead of doing everything for her or us. Even just going to bed when I want to is difficult for me. If I step away and take myself into account more often, won't they just think I'm being selfish? She already thinks I'm controlling. Adding selfish to that seems really scary.

Also, learning how codependent I am and what I have let it do to our relationship is sad. I want to get better, but I am afraid to tell her about it. I don't want her to leave me or use it against me accidentally or on purpose. How do I get better without ruining the good things that we have? I realize this question is codependent in nature lol. The whole thing is that I am afraid of losing her or her being mad at me. It's the reason for most of what I do. If I lose her because I am trying to change that, won't I just be reinforcing that?

Dear Lo,

I’m new to boundary setting. I’m finding that I’m becoming hyper-vigilant with boundary setting in my personal life and in public with strangers.

I started out feeling empowered, but now I feel exhausted. Sometimes I don’t wanna engage in boundary setting when one maybe has been crossed.

Is there something I’m perceiving wrong? Is there a better way to go about boundary setting to have peace instead of exhaustion?

Dear Lo,

I have been with my partner for a year and we are living together. I have been developing depression and anxiety problems a half year ago. This past year, I have been pushing my partner away and blaming him a lot. My partner has been very supportive these time and claiming he won’t be leaving me and will be there to support me throughout this.

Until recently, a lot of circumstances changed, in which both of us were put into a lot of external stress. We had a short break recently to figure things out, but then he told me that he really enjoyed himself during the break. He told me that I need time on my own to sort myself out, which I agreed. Therefore, he will be going back to his family and we will be having a break for 5 weeks in September. He then mentioned that he will make a decision about whether to break up or not after the 5 week break, and for me to take as much time as possible to sort myself out. I felt abandoned at my worst, when I have been working very hard to sort myself out and attending counseling sessions. I don’t know what to do. Could I have some advice please? Thank you.

Dear Lo,

I met someone a few years ago online, and we had great connection. He is a great person on a human level. On the second date, we got intimate, which was nice. I started to have feelings for him. After a while, I had to leave the country for a few months, but was away for a couple of years. I was clear about being away for some time. He said he was not looking for anything serious anyways and didn't believe I had feelings for him because we knew each other for a very short period of time. We were in touch when I was away, and we met after a few years when I was back. I could not forget him, but he doesn't believe and thinks this is unrealistic. He offered me to date casually and was honest that he's seeing other women for physical gratification only. I cannot accept it, but I still want to see him. What do I do?

Dear Lo,

I have reached back out to someone I met online who then didn’t want to have a relationship. I thought we could keep up as friends, it would be a better closure. However, his messages became more intimate, but he didn’t indicate he had changed his mind. Then he told me he was close to someone else romantically who wanted to relocate to be close to him. I told him I couldn’t keep close contact with him with that dynamic. And yet I have. Is it realistic to strive to reset a friendship boundary when it fails? Now, sometimes, he starts suggestive texts, I respond and then we don’t talk about what that means for our friendship. He’s made it clear he struggles with commitment because he hasn’t met anyone who was ‘enough’ to focus his attention solely on, which obviously includes me. I’m hurt but still want to adapt and keep him in my life as a friend. Any advice?

Dear Lo,

I just attended your boundaries workshop. I think I am seen as outspoken and articulate. However, I have very strict internal rules about what I will comment on that are based on my political views. I am a high earning individual and I feel a lot of shame for it because I also interact with a lot of poor people and have poor friends. I strongly believe that rich people should pay more taxes and that everyone deserves better, more standardized education and health care (I experienced this because I lived abroad for a few years). I feel like if a friend who is less economically well off wants something, I am obligated to pay for it if they ask. Sometimes I end up feeling taken advantage of, but I feel like I can't tell them because I would be shaming them. I also feel angry when other high earners pontificate about their views on social justice issues because when I ask them if they would be willing to pay more taxes or to send their kids to diverse, public schools- they say no. I get angry and I think I am seen as being overly reactive. However, in my view, these high earner individuals broke my personal boundaries by talking about their political views and are retraumatizing me about the pain of my low income friends. I am realizing that my behavior may be a complex form of people pleasing.

Dear Lo,

I’m struggling to accept that my husband doesn’t want more children and I want one more. I’ve made it clear from the beginning that having children has always been my priority. He told me didn’t want kids when we first started dating, but then said he’d have them with me. He feels like he’s done with one, and I feel very strongly that I am not. I also don’t have many years left to have a child. Any thoughts?

Dear Lo,

I feel anxious whenever I go out in public or get behind the wheel to drive. I hate that gut wrenching feeling of dread. There are times that I will be walking around and get really nervous for no apparent reason. It makes me want to go back home right away and just stay there. What can I do?

Dear Lo,

I’m tired of feeling the constant need to receive a text or phone call from my partner. I just want to feel happy with or without her. When I don’t hear from her, I begin to feel jealous and worried. Help please!

Dear Lo,

I feel anxious whenever I go out in public or get behind the wheel to drive. I hate that gut wrenching feeling of dread. There are times that I will be walking around and get really nervous for no apparent reason. It makes me want to go back home right away and just stay there. What can I do?