Question:

Dear Lo,

I’ve been in a relationship with the same person off-and-on for the past 3 years now. Throughout our time together, there have been 3 times that he emotionally cheated on me, which really hurt my trust and self-esteem. Also in the beginning, things were perfect and then over time, he slowly started doing less and less. He wouldn’t treat me poorly, just not as good as before. I felt needy and ungrateful for being upset by this change.

We broke up for a bit last year and then got back together this January. He’s someone who has worked hard to re-gain my trust and build back with me. But he’s slowly stopped doing the same things as before like bringing me little surprises and writing me long good morning texts. We work together and it gets hard because I see him talking to our other girl coworkers and this really makes me angry. I tried talking to him about that, but he’s someone who is outgoing and likes to talk to others so he doesn’t want to stray from his morals. I just want to be able to deal with all of this in a healthy way that isn’t taking it out on him or controlling him.

I get really anxious that he’ll get feelings for someone else again or that he’s never going to treat me like he did in the beginning. It makes me put him first before myself to the point where I basically only live for him. When I get anxious, I feel crippled - I can’t eat or get out of my room or do anything for myself. I’s frustrating and makes me feel so bad about myself. He’s doing his best to meet all my needs, but I can tell it’s starting to drain him and it’s making me panic. I feel like I am not enough and that I have to be perfect. I feel like I just want to fix and control and perfect our relationship all the time. Everything makes me anxious and I just want to be happy and mentally healthy. I don’t know how to cope and I don’t know what to do.

~Reyna

Answer:

Dear Reyna,

I’m so sorry to hear that you are struggling in your relationship right now, and it does sound very stressful for both of you. I can understand why the three instances of emotional cheating shook your confidence and trust. It also sounds as though your emotional needs are not being fully met because your partner has performed fewer thoughtful gestures as time passes. The anxiety, panic, and overwhelm that you feel now does not sound sustainable for you as an individual or for your relationship as a whole. I will offer a few ideas for you to consider as you decide your next steps and how best to move forward.

It sounds like you are struggling to fully accept and move forward from your boyfriend’s past episodes of emotional cheating, which leads you to anticipate other opportunities where he may repeat this behavior (i.e. talking with female coworkers). I would encourage you to consider whether his actual behavior is leading you to feel uncertain or if you are simply fearing the worst to protect yourself from getting hurt again in the future. Only you can know the answer to this question so trust your intuition. If his behavior is untrustworthy and inappropriate, it may be time for you to end the relationship because the trust has been damaged and you deserve more. If, on the other hand, your own insecurities and catastrophic thinking are leading you to feel panicked without reason, you may have some personal work to do to manage your anxious thoughts. Placing your hands on your heart, close your eyes and breathe deeply, reminding yourself: “I am safe. I am okay. I trust my partner to be faithful. And I trust myself to walk away from the relationship if he betrays my trust.” When your anxious mind starts trying to convince you otherwise, ask yourself to identify the actual evidence - not assumptions or guesses. Ask your boyfriend for clarity if you are missing information rather than jumping to the worst-case scenario right away. And know that if you cannot move past his indiscretions, that is okay too. In that case, this particular relationship may not be the best fit for you, which doesn’t make either of you a bad person.

Regardless of whether you continue dating or not, I recommend that you spend more time focusing on and taking care of yourself. Rather than thinking about your boyfriend, your relationship, his feelings, his actions, etc., place that attention and care on yourself. Ask yourself “How do I feel?” and “What do I need?” each day and find small ways to meet your own needs. Treat yourself with kindness and care, consider what makes you happy, and spend some time alone and doing activities that you enjoy. When you are happy and feel confident in yourself, that will make all of your interactions stronger and healthier. It is very attractive when a person takes care of themselves and knows their worth. The more that you obsess about the relationship and worry about everything that could go wrong, the more anxious and unsettled you (and your boyfriend) will feel. Practice channeling the time, energy, and focus that you currently spend thinking about your relationship into working on yourself. If your boyfriend cannot give you what you need or cheats again, it will be painful and challenging, but you will be okay. You are strong, resilient, and brave. You will grieve the loss of the relationship and come out on the other side. And you will not be alone forever. I know all of this is easier said than done, but I believe in you. You are worthy of being loved and cherished, and you don’t need to be perfect or prove yourself in any way. I wish you all the best on your healing journey and have no doubt that you will find happiness because you deserve it.