Everyone has an inner critic who consistently points out our perceived flaws, tells us we are unlovable, and encourages us to play small in our lives. This inner critic voice plays on repeat inside our mind, and we often accept its words as absolute truth. This negative self-talk can be extremely frustrating and leave us unsure of what to do about it. Often the inner critic voice originated from messages we heard from others throughout our lives. We may have been directly told that we are lazy, dumb, ugly, or unproductive. Even just hearing a comment like this ONCE can leave a lasting impact. I have worked with clients who still clearly remember and feel pain from a hurtful interaction that took place 40 years earlier. Our inner critic may also interpret these messages of unlovability based upon other people’s treatment of us - an eye roll, sharp tone of voice, or not getting a reply back when we text someone. We assume that the person finds us to be lacking and unworthy, and we internalize this idea and carry it forward with us.
The purpose of this critical part is actually to protect us from harm…even though it doesn't always feel like it. It does so by warning us about everything that could go wrong, keeping us in our comfort zone, and preventing us from failing or drawing criticism from others. This part believes that if we beat ourselves up first, it will prepare and protect us from anything that someone else may say or do. Often no one is as harsh or cruel to us as we are to ourselves! The inner critic believes that if we show up as perfect and work to please others, we will avoid rejection or abandonment from the important people in our life. While it can be tempting to get angry at this inner critic part, try to push it down, or allow it to rule our lives, I'd invite you to try a different approach. Whatever we work to resist will often persist, and it may even increase in intensity over time. It may sound counterintuitive, but I would encourage you to move toward your inner critic in an attempt to get to know and understand it better. See, hear, and acknowledge this critical voice when it shows up in your mind. You can even name your inner critic as a way to recognize it as separate from you. The name you choose doesn’t matter so just go with whatever comes to your mind first. Remember that this critic is only ONE part of you. It doesn’t represent or define you as a whole. The next step is to thank this part for trying to keep you safe. Recognize that it is working hard to protect you in the only way it knows how. And it may have been a successful survival skill or coping strategy in your past. With gentleness and compassion, remind your critic that you are now a resourced and capable adult who can make your own decisions and keep yourself safe. Invite the inner critic to step aside because it now knows that you are in charge and will take care of yourself. This approach when practiced consistently will quiet that critical voice over time. If your previous methods haven’t worked, give this idea a try the next time your inner critic part shows up. Let me know how it goes in the comments below!
