Question:

Dear Lo,

I am codependent on everyone around me. I have taken up the persona of being the class clown or always having a joke ready to make people laugh. And that feels like me. I feel like I enjoy it, but now I know that it is me seeking validation of being funny and therefore, a fun person from the audience. Do I need to change that part of me? How do I identify it AS me?

~Alexis

Answer:

Dear Alexis,

What an interesting and thought-provoking question! I first want to start off by saying that you never NEED to change any part of yourself. If you feel comfortable and satisfied with a particular behavior or mindset, then I would encourage you to continue with it (provided that it doesn’t put you in any danger). As adults, each of us gets to decide how we want to live and what works best for us, regardless of anyone else’s opinion. Being a person with a great sense of humor who knows how to make others laugh is a beautiful quality! From what you described, it sounds as if that part of you feels natural and comfortable. However, you also mentioned that you may be looking for validation from others in making them laugh and being known as a “fun person” to earn their approval. That is great insight as well! My guess is that your “class clown” persona is actually both a true part of you AND a way that you try to earn validation from others.

Here are some questions to consider as you continue examining how, when, and why codependency may be showing up in your daily life. Do you allow yourself to feel tired, sick, sad, frustrated, quiet, etc. when you’re around others? Or do you always feel the need to act happy on the outside even when it’s not how you feel internally? While I would never encourage you to give up the funny, lighthearted side of you, I want you to know that it is okay not to feel that way ALL the time. You are a human with a wide range of emotions and no one is truly perky and optimistic 24/7. The people who deserve to play a VIP role in your life will want to be around you even if you’re not constantly making them laugh. In fact, they will want to get to know ALL parts of you and support you when you need it.

Similarly, how do you feel if and when someone else doesn’t laugh at your jokes or continues to remain in a low mood despite your fun personality? Does it bother you greatly and make you wonder if they like you? Often with codependency, we base our emotional wellness on how other people are feeling or responding to us. The truth is that we cannot control or manage other people’s emotions, and it is not our job to keep everyone happy all the time. Finally, how do you handle it if someone treats you poorly or does not want to be around you? Do you take that personally and work hard to earn their love and acceptance? Do you make their behavior mean something about your worth? These can be common reactions with codependency because we believe we need others’ approval in order to demonstrate that we are enough.

If you answered “yes” to any of the above questions, you may be dealing with some codependent tendencies. In order to heal, I would encourage you to focus on showing all parts of yourself to the people in your life with whom you trust and feel safe. Allow them to see you not only when you’re joking and happy, but also when you are struggling or not feeling 100%. Dip your toe in the pond of being your genuine self to prove to yourself that others will love and accept all parts of you. Also, when you catch yourself trying to make others laugh in order to prove yourself, pause and reflect. Remind yourself that you are whole, worthy, and complete on your own. You don’t need to earn love and acceptance or prove yourself in any way. The people who deserve to be in your life will embrace and appreciate you no matter what. And while it is a kind gesture to cheer someone up when they are sad, it can also be very beautiful to sit with them and allow them to experience their emotions without needing to fix or save them from pain and discomfort. Perhaps be intentional about finding additional ways to support your loved ones rather than relying solely on humor and fun all the time.

If you’re interested in learning more about how to heal from codependency, I would encourage you to seek out resources on inner child work and reparenting as a way to heal from past wounds. I offer a workshop, slides, and a healing meditation in my store if you’d like to check it out. I hope this was helpful and I wish you the best of luck moving forward! You seem like a very insightful person and I have no doubt you will be successful on your personal development journey.