Question:
Hey Lo,
I have an 8 year old boy that I can’t get out of our bed at night. He’s been sleeping in our bed for months now and it is my fault for allowing it in the first place, but it’s time to get him out. I’m not sleeping well and I feel like it’s really affecting my day to day life. I know if I put a TV in his room he would probably go right to his own bed, BUT I know how bad that is. Do you have any advice being a mom yourself?? HELP! :)
~Anonymous
Answer:
Dear Anonymous,
You are not alone in the bedtime struggles as this is a really challenging topic for so many of us parents! Please don’t beat yourself up about letting your son come into your bed. You were doing what felt right in the moment and it was one way that you all could get a little sleep, which is super important. AND you are also allowed to change your mind and decide that it is no longer working for you and your family. Your sleep quality and mental health are really important, and it makes sense to factor that into your parenting decisions. When mama is feeling rested and has more energy, it benefits everyone in the household. Here is what I recommend to help with this process – and keep in mind that it will take time and will be harder up front, but it will pay off in the long-term. You’ve got this!
When you feel ready, I suggest having a conversation with your son up front to let him know there is a new plan for bedtime, and you are going to help him get comfortable sleeping in his own room during the night. Ask him how he feels about that and if he has any questions. Validate his emotions of being scared or not wanting to make this change, and let him know that you understand, you believe in him, and will be there to help him through it. If you don’t already have one, create a relaxing 15-20 minute bedtime routine to do every night in his room with him, which can include getting on pajamas, brushing teeth, reading 1-2 books, turning the lights off and cuddling for a few minutes, maybe playing some calming music. Some people like to listen to a bedtime calming story for kids on the Calm app. If your son is scared of the dark, you could find a red night light to plug into his room because that color is said to help with relaxation and not keep us awake like other color night lights can. Explain this new bedtime routine to him ahead of time so he knows what’s coming because kids like to understand the plan when a change is going to take place.
At the end of the bedtime routine, you can get him all tucked in and then you can give his stuffed animal of choice hugs and kisses. Let him know that that stuffed animal has all the hugs and kisses from you and your son can hold onto the stuffed animal all night to feel your presence. So much of the issues with bedtime stem from not wanting to separate from the parent because you are their safe space. So we want to give them other tools to feel safe and self-soothe in addition to having you as a resource. I suggest coming up with a short, simple calming phrase to say to him before you leave the room, maybe something like “You are safe and you are loved. I will see you in the morning!” If he inevitably comes out of his room to find you or starts crying, you calmly take his hand and walk him back to his room, get him tucked in, and say that calming phrase to him before leaving again. Don’t engage in a lot of conversation, don’t turn the lights on…basically make the return to bed extremely boring and unstimulating. I must warn you – you may be walking him back to his room A LOT for the first few nights because he will be looking to see if you give up and let him back into your bed. Stay the course and don’t try this plan until you’re ready to fully commit because consistency is key here! You can also consider getting a sleep-to-wake toddler clock, which stays red during the night and then turns green when he’s allowed to leave his room in the morning (you set the time to whatever schedule you want) as a way to help him have agency and understand when he’s allowed out of his room. If he wakes up before the light turns green, he can play with some toys or read books in his room until it’s green. Your job is to stay calm, be compassionate, and still hold the boundary, which I definitely know is no easy task! I always have to remind myself that my job is not to keep my children happy all the time. My job is to make decisions that will help them to be safe and healthy even when it’s uncomfortable.
I hope this helps! Remember that this feels hard because it IS hard. You are doing a wonderful job and are a great mother. Your son is so lucky to have you in his life! And even though it will be a bumpy road, he will eventually feel comfortable sleeping in his own room and this season will pass. Keep me updated and best of luck!
