Anxious attachment here, struggling to let go of feelings for a former intimate partner. We have remained friends although it strains me emotionally to do so and it's hard for me to let go altogether. We have a complicated relationship as she cheated on me at one point, we had a falling out, and a few months later had a reconciliation as friends. I began somatic work and positive affirmations aimed at internal validation instead of seeking it externally after attending your codependency class. I also viewed your webinar on inner child work and have began trying to reparent mine. Do you have any additional advice to help me recover my sense of self? I hate that I allow my emotions to be entirely dependent on the validation I do or don't receive from her.
~Anonymous
Answer:
Dear Anonymous,
I am so glad you reached out for support as your situation is very relatable for a lot of people, especially in this community. It sounds like you are doing some excellent work on developing internal validation and reparenting, which is so exciting and brave! Here are some additional ideas to try in your search to connect with your authentic self and continue your personal growth journey.
My first thought is probably one that you are not going to like, and I totally get it. Most people have resistance to this idea, and I have certainly been there myself in the past. But continuing in a friendship with your former partner is most likely slowing down and possibly preventing your ability to heal and move forward. As painful and scary as it is to let go, holding onto this connection can make it challenging to fully grieve the ending of the romantic relationship and re-focus on yourself. I often encourage my clients to make a clean break that includes no communication, not checking out their social media, and getting rid of all pictures, reminders, or possessions from the relationship (you can even just put them in a box hidden from sight if you don’t want to throw away or donate them right away). This ending will inevitably bring up a lot of strong, uncomfortable emotions, and that is actually a good thing. I encourage you to notice it all, identifying your emotions out loud and giving yourself permission to feel everything. Remind yourself that these intense emotions are temporary and will not harm you despite how overwhelming they feel right now. Talk out loud, journal about it, record a voice note, or share with someone you trust. If you find this process too intimidating, I recommend blocking off a set period of time daily to check in and feel your emotions. If anything else comes up throughout the day, take a deep breath and remind yourself that you can focus and process these feelings during your grieving time the next day. Getting therapeutic support can be so helpful, especially at the beginning of the grief process! I began working with a lot of clients when their relationship ended - whether it was their choice or not to break up.
As you feel everything, start making a list of simple ways you can provide yourself with comfort and compassion. This list will probably require trial and error so get curious and explore! Maybe you take a color walk outside, where you choose a color and look around for as much of it as possible. It could be reading a book from a new genre, reuniting with a comfort TV show from the past, or dancing and singing along to your favorite song. Not only will these activities help you to process the emotions and move through them, but they will also allow you to start getting to know and care for yourself. Make a plan to check in at least once per day (set an alarm on your phone) to do a quick body scan, noticing your physical and emotional needs in that moment. Is there tension in your neck or shoulders? Tightness in your chest? Are you feeling frustrated, confused, sad, peaceful…maybe even all of these things at once? Consider one small action step you can take to soothe yourself or meet that need. The goal is not to completely get rid of that feeling, but rather to help yourself move through it with a little more ease or support from self. This process can be so beneficial in learning to become your own most loving caretaker, which you truly deserve.
Try out some new activities - by yourself as well as with friends and family. Think about what you liked as a kid or what you wanted to try, but didn’t have the opportunity in your past. How can you incorporate that into your daily life now? And as you do try these activities, check in with your body to see what feels good to you. Does it make you feel expansive and light or constricted and tense? Get curious and see what works for you! Trial and error provides clarity and allows for a deeper connection to self. You deserve to feel good, be happy, and experience comfort. We are the only person guaranteed to be with ourselves from the moment we are born until the moment we die. So the relationship we have with ourself is the most important and forms the basis for all your other relationships in life. If you’re looking for more ways to reconnect with your authentic self, check out my free downloadable guide here (scroll down to the bottom of the homepage and enter your email address)!
I hope this information is supportive for you. Please know that grieving and reconnecting with your own identity is a process that takes time, patience, and consistency. You are worth getting to know! I am rooting for you every step of the way. I promise you will find your way back to yourself and eventually feel ready to put yourself out there to nurture future relationships with others as well. Best of luck and please be kind to yourself.
