I just finished watching/listening to your class about people pleasing. I had asked a question, but it was toward the end and I think we ran out of time.
I don't feel like I have people taking advantage of me. It's more like I'm trapped in my own head and I do these things to myself for whatever reason. I've been learning about social anxiety disorder, and I see a lot of overlap. I feel like my main course is social anxiety, but with a healthy side of people pleasing. Are the two commonly paired up with each other?
Thank you for the class. It was so informative and helpful, and I really like the way you present and talk about it all.
~Anonymous
Answer:
Dear Anonymous,
I really appreciate how thoughtfully you’re reflecting on this topic, and what you’re describing makes a lot of sense. Social anxiety and people-pleasing often do overlap. At their core, both tend to be organized around the fear of negative evaluation or rejection by others. With social anxiety, the nervous system can become highly attuned to “How am I being perceived?” or “Did I say the wrong thing?” or “Am I being judged?” When this happens, people-pleasing can then function as a protective strategy - a way to minimize the risk of possible criticism, conflict, or disconnection. Social anxiety scans for threat and then people pleasing tendencies work to eliminate that threat.
What stands out in your question is that you don’t feel like others are taking advantage of you, but rather like you’re doing this to yourself. That distinction matters! Sometimes people-pleasing isn’t about external pressure. It can also be about an internal standard that says: I need to perform well socially to be safe. If your nervous system has learned that discomfort equals danger, it makes sense that you would try to control for it.
In this case, the work isn’t about labeling yourself correctly (though you could certainly go for a formal psychological evaluation if that’s important to you). Either way, this work is about building flexibility. Start by getting curious about what you’re actually afraid will happen if you didn’t accommodate, if you let the silence linger, or if you expressed a mild preference. Does the fear that comes up stem from awkwardness? Rejection? Being misunderstood? Disappointing someone? Often, anxious brains treat social discomfort as catastrophic. AND it’s important to remember that discomfort isn’t the same thing as danger. Here are some reflection questions that may be helpful to explore:
What feels most threatening to me in social situations?
What do you imagine would happen if you didn’t accommodate others?
What sensations show up in your body when you consider disappointing someone?
The next layer involves catching the pattern earlier. People-pleasing usually happens fast! Often it occurs even before conscious thought shows up because it lives in the body. You might notice a tight chest, heat in your face, the urge to fill the space, or an immediate “Yes!” before you’ve even checked in with yourself. The smallest intervention is a pause. Say something like “Let me think about that” or “I’ll get back to you.” You don’t need to become confrontational to practice this skill. You’re simply working to interrupt the autopilot pattern here.
And then there’s the harder truth to swallow at times. You can be kind, thoughtful, emotionally regulated AND someone may still feel disappointed or confused. Part of healing both social anxiety and people-pleasing is building tolerance for that reality. You cannot guarantee that others will always understand or agree with you no matter how hard you try. If this pattern is limiting your life by causing avoidance, rumination, or exhaustion, therapy can be incredibly effective. Social anxiety responds well to structured approaches like CBT and exposure-based work. And attachment-informed therapy can help unpack why managing others’ comfort feels so necessary in the first place. But even without formal treatment, the direction is the same: less performance and more permission.
In closing, your question was spot on because people pleasing and social anxiety can indeed feed each other. The goal in healing from this pattern is to create space between the anxious thought and the pleasing behavior. And if you’re exhausted from trying to manage how you’re being perceived all day, I totally get that. It’s a heavy load and one that you don’t have to carry alone. I’m really glad you’re paying attention to this because it’s such meaningful work. Keep it up!
